An Empath Laments
May 20th, 2008 by Rose Rosetree
“I’m sick of it,” the client told me. (Here I’ll call her “Jean.”)
“Being an empath, my whole life I’ve been giving to people. Since we’re in the minority, of course, people haven’t given back to me in the same way.
“Well, I’ve had it. I’m tired of doing all the giving.
“Yeah, I’ve read Empowered by Empathy, and I’ve been doing techniques to turn my gifts OFF. Just yesterday, I had to do that because a friend was sobbing in my arms. No way was I going to take on all her grief.
“Still, I resent that I have to do ANYTHING to turn my gifts OFF. I wish I just didn’t have them.”
Can you relate to Jean’s battle fatigue? To some degree, she’s reacting to her society. Before responding directly, I would like to put this lament in context.
EMPATHS TODAY
In pop culture today, there still isn’t much realistic mental-health type conversation at all about empaths. One indicator is what happens if you do a Google alert for the term “Empath” just to eavesdrop on other conversations online.
- Some 85% of the comments are about fiction or science fiction.
- This blog post aims to join the happy 1% of conversation that really is about being an empath, and how to use one’s gifts with skill.
- Of the remaining 14%, it’s either lament or supportive conversation about being a victim.
- Reading most of these conversations, you’d think that “empath” meant a form of lifelong disability.
Jean happens to have fine mental health. But here is a sample of online conversation about being an empath:
“I searched you out. I am in great need of help. I see great tragedy coming ahead, and it’s terrifying me and could end up killing me and I need someone to help me.”
If you ever hear someone lamenting in this way, tell that person to run, not walk, to a psychiatrist. Do the same if someone you know complains about being under “psychic attack.” This label, along with “empath,” is becoming a trendy way for people to justify mental illness, severe dysfunction that can definitely be helped but not until the person seeks appropriate treatment.
Being born as an empath is NOT the same as being mentally ill. It is a kind of sensitivity in 1 out of 20 Americans, 1 out of 5 Japanese, with varying degrees of incidence in different parts of the world.
NEEDING SKILL IS NO TRAGEDY
Being born as an empath doesn’t mean that you have a disability. Yet look at American attitudes toward sensitivity in general. We’re taught nothing about what it is, or about the 1 in 5 people who are Highly Sensitive Persons (to use the term coined by Dr. Elaine Aron).
All HSPs are not empaths. We are a subgroup. Not only neuro-physiologically sensitive, each empath has at least one inborn gift for directly experiencing what it is like to be someone else.
American society teaches nothing about how to recognize these gifts, nor how to use them with skill, nor how to tell if problems in life are related to being talented but so-far unskilled as an empath.
At least Americans are encouraged to learn a few other skills, like table manners and reading. Despite post-modern impatience, few adults complain about needing to learn these things. (Or else they’re so young when they learn that parents can say, “Stop whining. You’re in time out.” Eventually, even a grumpy kid gets over himself long enough to learn how to hold a knife and fork properly.)
Some of my students have been able to teach their children how to become skilled empaths. (In fact, there’s a chapter specifically about parenting in Empowered by Empathy, print edition. And the entire book is a how-to about getting skill, of course. Also, you can hear a nice chunk of the audiobook at the link provided here.)
Wouldn’t it have been lovely if you had been taught these skills yourself, back in the day? But you weren’t, right? Well, get over it. You’re learning now. It will take you probably less time than learning how to read or to use table manners.
So cheer up. Consider that you’re being counterculture, if it helps. Practice the Coming Home technique for 10 minutes in the morning — or otherwise position your consciousness to turn your empathic gifts OFF first thing every day.
Then, during the day, use first aid techniques from Empowered by Empathy (or any other techniques you know) to position your consciousness appropriately and get “stuff” from other people out of your aura.
THE ALTERNATIVE
Sure, there’s a little effort involved. But at least these techniques really work. Otherwise you’re stuck with popular ideas like:
- Firm up your boundaries.
- Stop being so over-sensitive.
Notions like these work best with people who AREN’T empaths.
Frankly, if you’re neuro-physiologically sensitive, there’s no way you can trade in your nervous system right now. When you react to life in a sensitive manner, you’re just being you, not being overly anything.
Then there are strategies that depend on behavior:
- Avoid toxic people.
- Avoid “psychic vampires.”
Common-sense ideas like these are fine, but they won’t make a person skilled as an empath. Besides, it’s all too easy to label people as “the problem.” Another blog post discusses the greatly misused, sometimes convenient, notion of “psychic vampires.”
YOUR LONG-TERM PROGNOSIS
It’s so great! Never doubt that.
Any empath can get skills. It won’t happen by itself. But eventually you can make it happen, and then you will positively LOVE being an empath. It brings you special kinds of wisdom. It helps you to do great service for others… and without paying an inner price.
Remember, when you have mastered turning your gift(s) OFF, you can use TURN-ON techniques (like those in Empowered by Empathy) to have a glorious, deep, free, and safe experience of otherness.
Imagine that! And imagine what could happen when you bring that kind of skill to your pursuit of connecting to God. (For a daybook exploring that relationship, plus growth of your human self while you seek that connection, see Let Today Be a Holiday.)
So it’s your choice. You can lament all you want. Plenty of other people will sob along with you. Or you can resolve to get skills and make this particular kind of suffering a thing of the past.
Not to discourage anyone from lamenting, feel free to comment with your own laments, present or past, plus any laments you have heard from others.
It’s a joyful collection to have because there are so many “things I cannot change and they’re horrible” items in human life, but being an unskilled empath need not be one of them.
I often hear people lamenting about an aspect of their appearance, particularly women. I’m not talking about weight or some aspect that can be changed (within reason - we cannot change our basic body type), but about aspects of our appearance that we can’t change, such as our race, height, eye color, hair color, skin tone, etc.
Ironically, what we often wish we looked like is the opposite of what we actually look like…
I haven’t decided if this is just a basic aspect of human nature, an unconscious appreciation for difference by wondering what it would be like to be different or an unconscious reaction to deep and unconscious socialization.
I am not interested in turning my “gifts” on (Analytical Awareness, Gustatory Giftedness, Clairaudience, Clairvoyance, Clairsentience). What for? I don’t feel I need to experience other’s people’s universe to feel connected to them or to God. They’re there. I’m here.
I am not going to give more than I receive from others, whether they are empaths or not.
Above all, I don’t see why I should be of service to others. I give when I am interested and I know I can be of service, but in no way should I ever give because it’s spiritually pious.
I am not interested in being pious, being a saint, or to be kind for the sake of the principle. I simply am and will be. I don’t owe anyone anything, nor do I expect anyone to give me anything. I don’t find spiritual piety to be my highest calling. And therefore, I do not find empathic gifts a necessarily glorious experience.
It’s true I can gain a sense of truth, perspective, and possible insight, but I don’t often cheer up when I learn the “truth” about others. I just feel they are as lost and in pain as anyone. Widespread suffering of the body and mind is not a joyful matter. How is that cheerful to know? That it takes courage? We have no choice but to be courageous. That, or we find the nearest window.
I’m no Buddha or Jesus. I am not interested in saving or helping humanity - why should I? I am interested in giving only if it is from a place where I feel I can be of service. What do I get in return? That is a fair question. There should never be an obligation to give unless it feels right. I’m only human. I won’t relentlessly and pointlessly give to others, so I can empathize with them more - what for? What do they do for me?
Do I receive as much compassion, understanding, and sympathy at the level I have given to others? No. That is not an issue that can be logically and ethically justified. They cannot give what they don’t have. This is a legitimate concern and it is not right to expect empaths to do any service to others who cannot appreciate such gifts for the sake of spiritual glory.
I’ll enjoy my life as much as I can. But in no certain terms should I ever be convinced that it is glorious to experience others’ pain or to understand them better when they cannot give the same to me. I don’t feel I need to be connected to others or their garbage.
What’s the point of knowing the garbage, mine or their own? Do I write a novel about it? I am not interested in being of service to anyone but myself. And by being of service to myself, then I can may have a chance of truly being of service to others, because then I will be living fully and honestly which may help others see their own light.
I just wish you can be more clear on this, Rose. I live in 2008, not 1969. Some people in this day and age are simply not sold on the ideals of spiritual connection and oneness. It’s not enough anymore. We live in a time of mega-nihilism in which even postmodernists are considered obselete.
ANABELA, thank you for your heartfelt and honest post.
You’re right that everyone doesn’t desire to be of service to others. When you feel that way, it is really important not to focus on others.
That isn’t about when you are living, 1969 or 2008, but about being honest with yourself.
Some people DO desire to be of service, and others DON’T. This is not about being an empath. As an empath, one can feel either way, and let the life flow accordingly.
When a person does choose to do a TURN ON technique, as a skilled empath, you have the opportunity to connect in a deep way with a completely different set of gifts of the soul. Inspiration, learning, or exploration can be the motivation, as well as being of service.
However, you will be present to that person’s suffering as well, very true. My TURN ON techniques are set up to protect you from taking this into your aura, but you’ll definitely observe it to some degree.
When an empath is not carrying a lot of STUFF in her/his aura, it’s not such a big deal making contact with that suffering. It will not resonate with your own STUFF.
But… if you are at a point in your own journey where there is already a lot of STUFF in your aura, it could be extremely painful to do a TURN ON technique as an empath, however skilled you may be.
It’s definitely wise to focus on personal healing, not exploration, at such a time. And even after all the STUFF (Cords of attachment, frozen blocks of energy, etc.) is healed, you still may not feel called to follow a path of service to others.
Anabela and other Blog-Buddies, I am here to help you whichever way YOU wish to be supported as a skilled empath.
Hi Anabela,
Wow, I appreciate that level of honesty.
You can use your empathic gifts to enrich your own life and increase the joy in it, without having to become a “martyr” for others.
In fact, being more perceptive as an empath may help you become more discerning, so that you avoid those kinds of people, if you choose to do so. Or at least not take on their pain and suffering when your come into contact with them.
You would also use your empathic gifts in a job where it would be really useful, such as if you were a counselor, life coach, or teacher. And be financially and energetically compensated for your work - and become known for being exceptionally talented at that line of work because of your empathic gifts. Then you could turn then on big, selectively, only with clients, and turn them off the rest of the time.
Really, it’s all up to you and how you want to live your life.
Anyway, just my thoughts. But do live your life the way you want to live it - do that whether you are an empath or not. Do what brings you joy. As Rose likes to teach at the intensives, to remind empaths, “You’re the most important person in the room.”
To continue the area of discussion at the end of Anita’s post: Rose reminds empaths “You’re the most important person in the room.” Could you elaborate on this?
Do alot of empaths focus on others, and tend to put their own needs lower in priority or ignore them, sort of sabotaging themselves?
Or is this statement a reminder to pay attention and not take on others’ pain?
Jumping in here to comment briefly - my “being of service” to others is not a choice. It just is who I am. I could turn that part off, I suppose, but the joy I get from it is off the charts. So, why would I? Do I experience some of their lows as well as the highs as a (somewhat trained) empath? Yep. And being able to do that allows my compassion to flow.
So, I guess it’s all a matter of finding that which brings us the most joy and minimal pain, however we choose to do it. Granted, I know no other way to be BUT an empath but I embrace it joyfully and am thankful to have learned ways to take good care of myself in the process.
Oh our blog is just rife with Lisas, and I love it! Also with great comment writers whose names begin with A!
Regarding your question, Lisa W., being the most important person in the room — yes, this summarizes what an empath must do IN CONSCIOUSNESS to turn your gifts off.
Imagine if you were in the room when someone realllly cool came in. Say it was David Cook for you, Lisa-Lisa.;-) Maybe it was your hero George W. Bush or some other politician who inspired you. Again
Wouldn’t there be a tendency for you to watch that hero constantly, hang on his every word, etc.?
As of right now, you get to be that hero in your own life.
Note, it’s a matter of paying attention, using your consciousness. You won’t have to talk to yourself, stage public soliloquies, be negative about other people, or play any games whatsoever.
Instead, it’s a shift in your figure-ground relationship. Keep yourself in the foreground, others in the background. More specific techniques for empaths, “Coming Home” and exploring “Holding a Space,” in my how-to book “Empowered by Empathy,” may add refinement to the basic concept of putting yourself first.
If you’re very fortunate (and aurically clear), this can be one simple choice for you, and make a great deal of difference: Always let yourself be the most important person in the room.
Many talented empaths have trouble doing this, which may seem odd to non-empaths. But you would never, ever discuss your life as an empath, in depth, with a non-empath, right?
To be of service – we all have our own ideas as to exactly what is “service”. My current non specific definition is - Sometimes it is simply the desire to stand in a different queue at the supermarket and smile at the attendant because they feel a little down. Sometimes just being ourselves is enough; if we can walk through life lightly we give others a chance to sort out their own “stuff” in peace.
And then of course there is helping others with painful stuff. Maybe 5 years ago probably even 2, if someone had said to me that being of service was a gift and could even be enjoyable I would have snorted “As if” and walked the other way shaking my head. Now things are different; it is something I actively look forward to. Sure things happen in daily life but most of the time whilst the full controls are worked out, I limit myself to being of service in workshops.
In workshops there is sometimes an intense feeling as someone’s stuff is released and then it’s gone. It is something I choose to do and remain convinced that there is always a choice to be of service or not in that instant.
There are many times when it feels right not to feel anything at all. Sometimes I actively decide that there is something I really do not want to feel and so batten down the hatches. We each come to our conclusions but for me there is at times just an “achingness” “a willingness” to let go and get out of the way and help in that moment.
The first duty in life is to ourselves - It reminds me of lifeguards and the emergency services where the first duty is to yourself- Not to put yourself in danger so that another person is then dragged into rescue the rescuer.
As for suffering I think Buddha was partially quoted as saying that “all life is suffering…” think it ought to say something like “all life is suffering compared to the glory of God.”
That does not mean that in life we actually have to suffer. David Hawkins keeps referring to the sponsoring thought many, many people have as “ Oh god, look how worthy I am, look how much I have suffered for you” – which is all down to our own doing. We will continue to suffer until we decide to change.
For me some things were just a change in perception.
One of them was – Whilst growing up and then at work I was constantly fed up with having “Life is hard, it isn’t a bed of roses” rammed into my earlobes. I was so sick of it, I made a decision to change it and so several yrs ago it changed to “Life is easy, there are occasionally just some difficult decisions”. At the time a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. My “life is..” gets updated to reflect where I want to be in life.
With empathy, what made a huge difference was that I decided at some level I had volunteered for this gift. Therefore, nothing was forced upon me; it was my choice. With it being my choice, I was then free to implement it to how I saw/ see fit. This includes learning how to be better skilled, which is a currently an on going process.
Rose’s comment is just so, so true that perhaps it ought to be emblazoned 10-ft. high on every page:
“When an empath is not carrying a lot of STUFF in her/his aura, it’s not such a big deal making contact with that suffering. It will not resonate with your own STUFF”
or maybe in my case “carrying less stuff than I used to”.
Charming BRIAN, this is such a useful set of observations. Thank you so much for sharing!
When people carry a lot of STUFF in their auras, this can leave them vulnerable to taking on pain belonging to others. Yet what is happening here is not the result of being an empath, necessarily. It’s more like having an open sore that becomes vulnerable to infection.
Debating “Which is it?” would not be the solution I recommend. Instead, I’m all for a conversation about “Get that STUFF out of my aura. Now!”
Later you can do the type of Talent Scouting of yourself as an empath, with how-to steps described in the post here: http://www.rose-rosetree.com/blog/2008/05/22/empath-talent-scout-natalie-portman/
How do you begin the conversation with someone who you suspect is an empath and is taking in the negative thoughts and impressions of others and internalizing those thoughts? I went through it and know the behavior. Your comments concerning bringing people to God is right on the mark. I am middle aged, and only recently have I understood that I, like everyone else, am God’s idea not the creation or reflection of others thoughts but His. For me, that was a huge relief and a liberation. But I need a little guidance on how to approach a family member who I can see is having difficulty filtering out the images and thoughts of others. Any help or comments would be greatly appreciated.
WAGS, what a great insight that “I, like everyone else, am God’s idea, not the creation or reflection of others’ thoughts but His.” Thanks for sharing that, as well as for all you wrote.
About approaching that family member, if family means obligatory presents, slip her/him a copy of EMPOWERED BY EMPATHY. (Best place to preview this or get it outright is my website, with all the supporting info, too, http://www.rose-rosetree.com.)
Otherwise, if you’re on an emailing basis, you could just tell her about this blog, or the regular website, or invite her to subscribe to my free monthly zine.
In general, this is what I’ve found in my 38 years in the personal development field: Give your loved one just a single, small invitation of some sort. Then let go. She’ll know where to find you.
And, evidently, she’s so lucky to have YOU be that someone in her life to find!