Empath Merge Q&A
March 12th, 2010 by Rose Rosetree
Many questions have come up recently about empath merge. Let’s give the topic a thorough wash and rinse. I mean Q&A. 
With thanks to all you Blog-Buddies who have been asking great questions over recent weeks.
Empath merges matter so much because, whether you know you’re doing them or not, they can hurt you. Not gobble up your life but nibble around the edges, as it were.
Most people do NOT yet know about empath merges; they don’t even know what an empath is. So just by reading this post, you’re in a position of leadership — probably the first on your block or in your neighborhood to learn this important kind of knowledge.
Through your relationships, you can become an influential sharer of information to those who sorely needed. Although the first beneficiary of your practical knowledge about empaths will, rightly, be you.
Not for the first time, I’m so glad to have the smart, caring people at this online community. And, of course, we have more than the usual percentage of empaths. In the general population, it’s 1 in 20 people.
Starting with some basic questions, then I’ll get on to great ones asked by you’all in earlier posts.
What is an empath?
An empath has at least one significant gift for directly experiencing what it is like to be other people. This creates subtle shifts in the experience of reality.
I do mean subtle. When you do a technique of Skilled Empath Merget, you can taste these nuances in depth and detail.
Can you make yourself into an empath?
Empaths are born, not made. You can develop empathy, but that is not the same thing as being an empath. I know, my first book for empaths doesn’t make this distinction clear. When I worked on it over a decade ago, it was the first book in English for empaths, so I didn’t know better than to call it Empowered by Empathy.
What is an Empath Merge?
When an empath is in the presence of another person, until that empath becomes skilled, something happens that I call an “Unskilled Empath Merge.” And it happens without the empath being conscious that it is even happening.
The empath’s aura expands to enclose the other person. Then, just as super-quick, in one tiny shard of time, the Unskilled Empath Merge is over. The empath’s aura returns to the usual position.
Unfortunately:
- The empath usually picks up STUFF from the other person.
- The empath is stuck with that STUFF for an indeterminately long period of time.
- The empath hasn’t permanently healed that other person, only provided a very temporary relief at best.
- The empath doesn’t even know this has happened, and therefore has no clue the STUFF has come in, or who it belongs to.
Does a skilled empath still do empath merges?
Unskilled Empath Merges? No.
Skilled Empath Merges — yes. That means on purpose, using a dedicated techique that protects the empath completely against taking on STUFF. Plus the empath is conscious. Thus, the empath can learn a great deal and be of service, based on that.
There are many techniques to choose from, and you’ll find quite a selection in Become The Most Important Person in the Room and also in Empowered by Empathy.
These techniques are to be used very, very sparingly, however. And only after you have become a Skilled Empath, not before you have learned how to keep your gifts turned OFF most of the time.
Can you have empath merges during movies?
If you’re an empath, you can. For non-empaths, the following can happen (and they can happen to empaths as well):
- You identify with the suffering, fear, and other emotions in the movie.
- This identification can trigger catharsis.
- Or the identification can make a person aware of existing, unresolved problems.
In addition, your subconscious mind will definitely be permanently imprinted with every image and sound related to violence, fear, rage, etc. For this reason alone, it is very smart to avoid watching movies and TV when these are being broadcast.
I thought it wasn’t empathic merging unless you were looking into the eyes of a human being next to you?
An empath merge happens when you are in the presence of another person. Watching that person in a movie can qualify.
Remember, though, all the previous problems that can happen even without doing an empath merge.
It is just as likely that, if you’re in a movie theater, you could be doing empath merges off-and-on with people sitting near you.
Seeing eyes, or anything else, is not required to trigger an empath merge.
Right now, I’m reading a hilarious memoir called “Driving Over Lemons: An Optimist in Andaluciua.” The dryly witty author, Chris Stewart, is clearly an unskilled empath. One scene that he describes is when his wife is in labor with their first child. He’s in the room, not necessarily looking at her at all, and his overwhelm becomes so great that he faints.
And faints again.
And again.
(Incidentally, the daughter is born just fine, and he and his wife do beautifully as well, eventually.)
Can there be clairaudient empath merges?
Blog-Buddy Suzanne asked about this as part of this question:
I was thinking about it because there is someone in a group I belong to who has Asperger’s syndrome. Every time she speaks her voice is so full of pain and “stuff” that it is incredibly hard to listen to and makes me cringe and leave the group full of tension. How do you handle this? How can you turn the space dial down on sound? That is, when ear plugs are not appropriate!
By now, you probably know the answer. You don’t have to sort empath merges by whether or not a person has clairaudience or anything else. These Unskilled Empath Merges occur because a person has all his/her gifts turned ON, and awareness of self is not as strong as needs to be.
So what can an empath do?
When awareness of the self is reasonably strong and balanced, automatically the empath gift(s) are turned OFF. That is why I recommend the Coming Home technique in Empowered by Empathy to be done daily for just a few minutes.
Or, in Become the Most Important Person in the Room, I provide a systematically organized series of short, easy techniques to use one day at a time to build up the sense of self aligned with consciousness. Going through that program will turn your gift(s) OFF as well.
What you don’t want to do is take one of the small suggestions in Become the Most Important Person in the Room (such as techniques related to eyes) and use that as the only technique you take from the book. Please, please, please, don’t skim through the various days in the 30-day program and seize upon one tiny part that you like and make that into the entire system of Empath Empowerment(R).
Where else can I learn more about empaths and empath merge?
Check out the Empath FAQs at the main Rose Rosetree website.
Listen to a sound clip of the audiobook edition of Empowered by Empathy. (Still my best resource for empaths if you are sound sensitive, i.e., you learn best by hearing.)
Consider attending my annual Empath Empowerment Workshop, April 16-18 in 2010. And if you’re not sure if you’re an empath, see the details at my website about how I will give you a free, quick, yes-or-no screening. I don’t want anyone to come to that workshop unless you are an empath. Simple ethics!
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hmmmm…so basically you are saying that you can be so tuned into yourself (through the variety of techniques in your books) that you will not even be phased by the sound of voices that you hear and you will not merge with “physical oneness” with others around you?
In the case of the woman with Asperger’s I noted that everyone in the room became uncomfortable when she spoke. I have attempted all of the various techniques in your books at various times (and with good success) but I’m not a systematic person and I find that sometimes in a situation it all flies out the window. Perhaps in this situation because 1) years of schooling have taught me that when you are in a classroom or group situation of any kind you pay complete attention!!! 2) Because it is a “fun” book group for me that I usually really enjoy I turn my space dial way up because for me when you really enjoy something that is HOW you enjoy it, by being fully present with all of your senses alert.
So, back to the drawing board with the books I guess
Hmmm, SUZANNE, basically, yes. (In response to your first para.)
And, yes, you can enjoy situations with your Space Dial (empath gifts) turned fully OFF.
You’ve inspired a new blog post for today, Saturday, the 13. See if that helps, too.
Suzanne,
I’ll chime in with Rose’s response and say that as a formerly unskilled empath, it is actually possible to make this shift.
I’ve particularly enjoyed learning to simply turn off my empathy when I start my day. I’ll give an example of how this has worked for me.
I attend a dance class that I love several times a week. After my initial high from finding the class and figuring out the steps so that I could keep up, I started to learn that several of the women tend to be highly ‘turfy’ about their space on the dance floor. I started hearing the stories of the cat fights in years past. Yikes! Some wild energy was flying around, no doubt in response to the loads of sexual energy the instructor exudes.
I went through a phase of getting really thrown off by some of these women and the few who simply can’t connect with the music and are always off. I was just distracted by the energy. I also learned that I had a cord of attachment to the teacher, so I cut it and then became disciplined about turning off my empathy before class. I focussed my consciousness on being in my body – *really* being in my body – and being mindful.
Wow! it became an entirely different experience. My dancing improved, I started meeting lots of the cool women, the turfy ones pretty much have faded away, and my rapport with the instructor is different now, too. All from subtle tweakings of my consciousness and energy.
Thanks for sharing your experience Ann–it is really helpful to hear personal examples of how skilled empathy works. And thanks Rose for your blogs. I am still skeptical that life can be enjoyable with space dial turned off but I guess non-empaths must have some fun in life so it must be possible.
SUZANNE, life as a Skilled Empath is way, way more enjoyable. I’m not just speaking from personal experience but from the most wonderful, inspiring stories told me by students.
Hang in there, learning at your own pace. You will some day thank your lucky stars you came in as an empath, and you’ll find it so fulfilling to use your gifts when you choose, rather than having them choose you.
Suzanne, I relate to your feelings… I used to think that if I turned off my empathy, life wouldn’t be as rich an experience. But that is not the case at all – not even close.
For me, as an emotional empath, before I was at all skilled, everything was just a big jumble. I didn’t know which emotions were mine and which were someone else’s. And before I’d ever heard of Rose, I never even considered that some of the feelings didn’t really belong to me. It’s hard to make a decision that way – do I really want to be here, sitting in this room? Am I enjoying this conversation? Am I feeling sad because of something truly moving within me or I am just riding the wave of another’s emotions? (I also might not have found any of these questions very important, especially the last one – what’s the difference between my emotions and another’s, and why does it even matter to know the difference?)
The feeling now is like I’ve become much more organized internally. This has allowed me to pay attention to myself and my own needs habitually, and others needs when I choose too.
Keeping my empathy turned off most of the time hasn’t deprived me of any experiences, or any richness of experience. And becoming a skilled empath doesn’t make you a non-empath! Your gifts are always there, ready to be turned on at a moments notice – one thought and you’re using your empathy, now fresh and clean and clear. It’s no big. I know that I tend to think of non-empaths as trapped in an unfeeling self-box (ha ha), but that’s not what will happen to you if you become skilled.
I also don’t feel like I have somehow withdrawn some crucial aid. We think your unskilled empathy is such a service to the world, to the people around us – ehhh. It’s more like being the punching bag no one asked for. Try becoming skilled and being able to actually direct your energy more effectively… that’s power.
You truly do gain so much clarity that you are MUCH better able to offer true support, at no personal expense. Unskilled empathy is sort of like falling all over someone, whereas skilled empathy is like giving a real genuine hug. (Ok, maybe that’s a strange analogy.)
Anyway, I’ve also found that after cutting many cords and releasing many frozen blocks, I am much more willing to be “just me”. It didn’t used to feel so good to be inside myself all the time! So just keep growing and healing, that’s all you can do
Thanks Rose!
I can relate to what you shared, Jordan. I, too, used to feel pretty overwhelmed….it was like I was trapped inside this loud radio with music playing that was basically the emotional energy of the people I was around. At one workplace, it was positively torturous to find myself channeling the unexpressed frustrations at various meetings. I would just get overwhelmed and then of course would end up taking the heat for what everyone was thinking but wouldn’t say. I felt like a tube of toothpaste being squeezed!
I spent a lot of time dealing with these various emotional states and issues that I came to learn weren’t even mine. Oy! This is what is so cutting edge about this work; it can save just oodles of time, energy, angst, etc., etc. I was simply astonished to feel the difference when I had the cord cut to my mother. I’d basically been running her emotional and physical pain through my energy system my entire life.
As I gradually became more skilled, I was more baffled by the notion of turning my empathy off and on, but now I get it and truly enjoy it. The skills taught in Rose’s new book are really very simple and yet profound. What I’m finding is that between the cords having been cut and my own skills in nipping new ones literally in the bud, I’m much better able to sense when I’m getting drained. I have the experience of feeling clear, so it’s easier to tell if things are getting out of whack.
Also, I’m finding that there’s just more of the real me to be present. After reading Jordan’s post and reflecting on my day of teaching today, I can see how I am actually able to turn the empathy on at will and sort of ‘fly’ faster, so to speak. I use intellectual empathy on my job at an art school, where I attend art classes with the international students I support. I need to understand the topics in a variety of majors well enough to be able to turn around and teach it to the international students in English that they can comprehend. It’s become much easier to pick up the information and to be able to tune into the students in the moment to get what approach would help them comprehend.
I’m enjoying these blog threads in that they give me a chance to reflect and see how different my life is now. It’s much easier to be spontaneous and fun to find parts of myself that had been buried under all that energetic gunk. There are ‘sensitive’ types (and I can relate cause I’m sensitive) who construct their entire existence around shielding and protecting themselves. It’s much easier, more fun, and more engaging to be able to turn the empathy off so as not to be bombarded.
And it is powerful, as Jordan said. I love quiet power.
I work with a shy Turkish Muslim student in one class and was having much trouble breaking through the defensive wall she’d built up to get through classes. Long story short, somehow I just naturally knew that she was terrified and when I asked her about this and empathized with her, she completely changed. The wall dropped, she relaxed and she’s been doing much better in class. Empathy is very, very powerful! It’s taken me a long time to really get this, but what Rose says is true, that once you get skilled, you’ll thank your lucky stars to be born an empath. I really wanted to help this student and it was a profound and actually surprising experience to see how much difference this approach could make.
and very interesting Jordan…thank you.
So, tell me, are you able to not make eye contact with people? That is the most challenging technique for me. I feel sure that people notice…empaths obviously notice. I have never trusted people who wore sun glasses while talking to another person.
So, I guess when I don’t make eye contact I feel untrustworthy and “up to no good” if that makes any sense. It is very hard for me to maintain a normal friendly relationship without eye contact (or with quick eye contact.)
JORDAN and ANN, you are just stunningly articulate. Thanks for all you have written.
As for you, Ms. SUZANNE, you’re stunning and articulate, too, but what mostly thrills me is how you just keep doing all you can to learn, asking one great question after another. Thank you so much for all your comments. Keep on inspiring me and others with your persistence!
Certainly I don’t want to take away from Jordan’s chance to respond. But I do want to set the record straight about choosing not to look people in the eye much of the time.
Of course a skilled empath can do that at will. In a very small part of BECOME THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE ROOM — evidently a part that has really, really caught your attention somehow, Suzanne — I mention avoiding eye contact as one very minor technique a person can use to avoid doing unskilled empath merge.
However, this tiny suggestion comes relatively late in the book. Why? My plan in preparing the book as I did is that the reader would start with Day One and do the exercises daily — just 10 minutes, right? By Day 30, you’re a skilled empath.
Now, Suzanne, I know you have that book. Might I suggest you go back to Day One and go through again, one day at a time? That way, when you come to the tiny technique about eyes, you will have gained a new level of waking up from inside.
This greater familiarity with your full self is what turns an empath’s gifts OFF. And, from this perspective, the tiny technique about eyes is just a simple course correction, done situationally, not always but simply as needed.
Finally, Suzanne, it is very likely that you have already gone through the 30-Day plan. Doing it once through could be enough for some of you Blog-Buddies. However, many of you (Suzanne included) can probably benefit from going through the cycle many times.
Each cycle, your skills will go deeper, come more easily. And you’ll know you have done enough of those cycles when, like JORDAN and ANN, you have gained an effortless comfort with being yourself, just yourself.
Wow, Ann, thanks for that inspiring post. And Rose, for setting the record straight.
I have done most of the 30 days, though not necessarily only one a day. If I fixated on the chapter about eyes it is because that is a technique I don’t seem able to do. The other techniques are much easier for me. And, it’s something I tend to think about when I interact with others.
Basically in situations where I start to feel off kilter, I do whichever techniques I remember in the moment. But yes, I can see that I’m perhaps too narrowly focused on details and missing the big picture. Anyway, yes, I am sure I will cycle through the 30 days more than once!
And, one of the things I have noticed from my cord cutting sessions is gradually increasing comfort with being myself in various situations and decreasing self-consciousness. So, I know what you say is true.
Just to say that having missed Rose’s London class which she couldn’t make due to snow, I’ve bought the empath empowerment and cutting cords of attachment books and feel such a sense of relief at being able to validate my experience!
I’m training up as a healer this year and am really hampered by physical oneness – after working with someone with 20% lung capacity I spent an afternoon feeling like I couldn’t breathe, and I routinely enter client’s bodies after the session and become them, posture, stiffness and all. I also have emotional oneness, in fact I tend to think ‘ooh, I’m just like so-and-so’ having been around them and it’s only been recently that I’ve started to question that and think ‘er.. no actually I’m not!’
I’m determined to learn how to switch this off – for now zero interest in taking it outwards further.
But I have a question. I did the ‘I like’ exercise and on the way back from school asked my kids what they liked – and they described the exact colour I’d thought of.
This made me doubt whether it was really my liking I was running or whether my inner child is mixed up with my actual kids. Could this be possible?
Thanks Rose!
You’re welcome, AMANDA. It was a bummer to not come this year but I’m hopeful for 2011. Do feel free to remind the College of Psychic Studies that you’d like to take my workshops!
In response to your question, don’t compare yourself to anyone. Don’t give yourself a hard time over your experiences. What you have counts. It is (or can be) that simple.
If complicating things or comparing yourself would make you more skilled as an empath, I can assure you, I’d not hesitate to recommend it. Actually, just the opposite is true.
Make sense?
Ooh. Yes, I think it does! (often things take a day or so to penetrate)
in any case I’ve had enough experience of learning to trust myself/relax to see that getting into a thinking knot about anything is unnecessary at best.
I asked The College of Psychic Studies already and they said they were hopeful you might make it for the summer term and I have to say so am I
)
- if not I will certainly make a cutting cords appointment with you by phone and do some learning by example!
Thanks again,
Amanda
Hey its me John again from the pot smokers blog lol. How are you doing? hope your summer is going well:-)
I have a friend of mine who I think is an empath. I think we are both empaths actually. we just went through an intense wave together with some people who are into the new age movement and enlightened masters and meditation and qi-gong, and reiki, chanting, kriya yoga, and an onslaught of other practices. any thing u can think of, we were probably doing it lol. we were in it really deep.
then both of us burned out REALLY bad in separate ways. I went to Jesus and converted to Christianity. lo and behold, i lost contact with her and months later she also went to Jesus.
i told her about you and even talked about your blog and we can relate to a lot of what you say about empaths. especially me.
i am so tired of being everyones punching bag and garbage man. i want to cry sometimes when i think about some of the people ive encountered and allowed into my bubble
however, she recommended that i cancel my appointment with you because we already had a spin with spirituality and we came to separate conclusions that it is not good to be dabbling with that stuff. I believe Jesus Christ is the only way. now, i am in sort of a pickle. my spiritual master Jesus says in His word not to trust anyone who does not profess Christ as their Lord and savior (2 john 1:7 Many deceivers, who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh, have gone out into the world. Any such person is the deceiver and the antichrist).
i know ur blog says you have worked with Christians but you do not profess a faith
i have to admit that i am really burnout and i am suffering from peoples garbo tossed into me. i do create walls and such but i dont like it because i feel like i am not enjoying being a human being. i am so wary and sooo suspicious of people now.
i want and need help with this. i dont want to catch anymore waves and loose awareness of myself again.
my friend thinks you might implant a spiritual device into me or something bad(we have seen some crazy stuff lol).
please understand this is not coming from a “brainwashed” christian. this is coming from someone who used to believe everything and everone is one and that all paths lead to a godhead.
im just confused and scared Rose. i know you can answer a lot of questions for me and help but i already had the experience of not relying on Christ for my salvation and relying on gurus and spiritual people to help me.
i dont know what to really say. im just conflicted lol. i want ur help but i dont want to rely on you to be my savior. i am also just wary of dabbling into spiritual things and having someone move things around in my aura. hope you are having an awesome day!!!!
omg. jus reading about some of ur techniques screams RELIEF for me and i can hear myself begging for it, but im so scared of new age or spiritual things not of Christ. im actually putting myself in seclusion right now, im so scared of people sometimes and their junk.
i just want everyone to leave me alone. but im a really happy and caring person. college just really screwed me up :-/
big time
JOHN, thank you for reaching out through this comment.
It does sound as though you are having a difficult time. You might want to find a pastoral counselor through your church or another church-related resource, so the practitioner will be both qualified to help you get through this difficult time and also speak the language of your religious background.
Regarding the techniques I teach, you might be interested to know that most of them begin with connecting to YOUR version of the Divine.
Jesus Christ would be perfect, or sometimes a reader or client prefers God, or has another preference, depending on that person’s sacred choice, which I honor.
You can feel very safe (I think, at least) with BECOME THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE ROOM. That could be a helpful resource for you, under the circumstances.
Sending you best wishes,
Rose
Re Comment 15, JOHN, it is very wise to avoid any teacher or healer who frightens you. Moving forward on your sacred path is not a race, after all. You must trust your own timing.
Regarding sessions with me, my sessions of Aura Healing and Transformation are NOT designed for people in crisis. It is better to wait until the difficult time passes and then be in touch.
I am not a certified mental health practitioner. Instead, I work with people who are among the “worried well” or people whose lives are basically okay and want to make their lives better.
An email has already been sent to you personally, requesting that you cancel your session at this time, but I thought this response to what you wrote might be helpful to you and, perhaps, other Blog-Buddies as well.