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Deeper Perception Made Practical

With narcissists, why fling when you could fix? Part 7 of 7 in our series on protecting yourself.

Learn about better ways to protect yourself from narcissists than name calling

Learn about better ways to protect yourself from narcissists than name calling

Phew! Today’s article finally concludes our series on protecting yourself from difficult people, a.k.a. narcissists, draining people, toxic personalities, energy vampires, psychic vampires, or just plain “somebody difficult.” The series began here, and includes seven posts from me plus a guest post.

Previously I gave you a small experiment, and there’s still time to do it before moving into today’s post. If you missed that Narcissist Quiz, why not take the three minutes? Go straight to Protect Yourself Energetically from Narcissists, Part 6 of 7. Take that short experimental quiz, and then let’s get going.

That quiz emphasized the effects on YOU, labeling somebody as a narcissist.

What our Narcissist Quiz comments showed

We had many lively comments at Protect Yourself Energetically from Narcissists, Part 6 of 7 and then the guest post that ZELDA courageously contributed.

Every single comment was appreciated. And they showed qualities of our online community that make me proud to participate: Commitment to personal development, honesty, independent thinking, sharing at the level of appropriate depth to our conversation. And great civility.

Today might be a good day to spread the word about this blog. Whether for the more lighthearted conversations we have here or for this sort of topic, personal development in post-New Age style.

As Lilian noted in Comment 33, here, “Discussing these things on forums is hard. I don’t usually bother with social media at all, but this blog seems worth the effort. :-)

Responses to that quiz about narcissists

Much as all the comments on the narcissist thread were valued, here I’m going to summarize just the responses from those who answered the question I posed, which was “How much has it helped me, assessing the horrible qualities of my Narcissist Candidate?”

KIRA felt satisfied with herself, intellectually satisfied.

AMANDA laughed, initially. But then an array of very personal emotions followed in subsequent comments. With characteristic depth of intent, and striving for personal accountability, AMANDA learned and learned big.

LILIAN felt trapped and fearful.

SUZ felt angry, with terrible past memories stirred up.

SOMEBODY ELSE found it surprisingly disturbing to go through the quiz process.

PRIMMIE didn’t want to do the quiz at all. (As we discussed later in the thread, she has come a long way from her participation at the blog initially, when she would have leapt at the chance.)

ZELDA’s response was intense enough to generate a passionate guest post about dealing with narcissists. For good reason, she found this Narcissist Quiz upsetting.

LARA didn’t have any particular reaction. Although she sure has had direct experience with narcissists.

(A small side note, from my role as an Enlightenment Coach: LARA has moved into Enlightenment. Which explains a lot. She doesn’t have significant internal STUFF that would resonate with the quiz questions; hence the “no particular reaction.” By contrast, Blog-Buddy AMANDA has also moved into Enlightenment. She chose to get involved in a personal way, for the sake of her human growth. And therefore the quiz experience was extra intense for her.)

LARA also asked what this Narcissist Quiz was supposed to show. A very good question, although not one that it would have been smart of me to mention before anyone took that quiz. 😉

What was this Narcissist Quiz supposed to show?

Where we put our attention grows stronger in our lives.

So when it comes to theorizing about various mental health problems, we had better have a really good reason before going there. Don’t you think?

If we start looking for narcissists — or energy vampires, psychic vampires, toxic personalities, draining people, we will find them. That’s how the human mind works.

Even the process of going through a checklist can stir up uncomfortable memories, thoughts, and (for someone as deeply circumspect as AMANDA — or slightly approaching that degree of intense personal scrupulousness), we might start to worry that we may have the dreaded qualities.

Apart from KIRA, with her tremendous intellectual adventurousness, this quiz wasn’t just a cerebral adventure. It became very personal very fast.

Going through that exercise, you weren’t going through this list of narcissism attributes during a session with a mental health professional, someone who was supporting SUZ or LARA or LILIAN or ZELDA or, perhaps, you to overcome past or present pain.

No, this Narcissism Quiz was like many such resources you’ll find on the Internet. Where anything goes, and “Just do it” is the ruling idea, rather than “What is the point of doing this?” or even “Will this be safe for me to do?”

Just because something is available. And free. Doesn’t mean it is safe to do.

However, in this case I thought this quiz would be fine for you Blog-Buddies and lurkers. Because…

This blog is about Energy Spirituality. Which offers you an alternative to psychotherapy. And where you can use self-healing techniques to clean up several of the 15 kinds of STUFF that can cause a person to become upset at a discussion of narcissists.

Specifically:

  1. If you suspect you might be an empath, it is really important to get yourself skills. I recommend “Become The Most Important Person in the Room.”
  2. Next up, learn the skill set of “Use Your Power of Command for Spiritual Cleansing and Protection.”
  3. Develop skills of energetic literacy to help you gain discernment about people.
  4. Then learn to cut cords of attachment for self-healing.

Did you note the sequence here? Many newbies to Energy Spirituality assume that the only problem is a cord of attachment to the narcissist. Not true.

Not true at all, based on my experience in this field. Which is why when folks go for expert help in a session with me they are urged not to seek a cord-cutting session.

Instead, it’s smarter to bring an intention and let an expert in this field use professional-level skills of energetic literacy to discern what is actually going on with you energetically and subconsciously. Then that expert will use additional skills of Energy Spirituality to select whichever type of energy healing is most appropriate for helping you. And then go forward to help you!

The other point of the Narcissist Quiz was…

To help you think through a question that is usually absent from all the hoopla about labeling people:

Why call people narcissists? Why bother?  What is the value? What are the consequences for you?

And, similarly, why call someone a draining person, a toxic personality, an energy vampire, a psychic vampire, etc.? In short…

Why fling?

Narcissism is a serious mental health diagnosis, not just a popular or convenient insult.

When you fling out a mental health diagnosis, what good does it do?

  • Does it bring you strength? (Why?)
  • Do you fix problems better? (Why?)
  • Help you stop feeling like a hopeless victim? (Why?)

Admittedly, most of us have needed to do that sometimes. In this part of our conversation at the recent Narcissism Quiz, LARA put it poignantly:

Not labeling can also be a luxury only afforded to those who don’t have to.

If you are in psychotherapy or dealing with police or a social worker, that’s the time to let a professional in the field pull out a mental health diagnosis.

But that kind of labeling is not what you will usually find people doing all over the Internet, is it? If you like, check out the 2,860,000 hits I just got from googling the word “narcissist.”

Probably, though, you have done one very healthy version of narcissist name-calling

As a teenager, you probably went through a stage when you had to break away from the family.

Seems to me, this separation is a healthy requirement for many of us. Yes, required psychologically and socially. If we are to fully individuate as adults.

Back in the day, you probably didn’t call those terrible people “Narcissists.” You simply called them them “PARENTS.”

Sometimes we humans need someone to push against. That’s how we find our strength.

Otherwise, as more-or-less free-standing adults, maybe it’s time to rethink the notion that seems popular right now in collective consciousness. Seems to me, the social programming goes like this:

“There are BAD PEOPLE, dangerous people.

“We should see them on the news and read about them in newspapers.

“As responsible adults must keep as aware of them as possible.

“If we can catalog all the various forms of malevolence, we will protect ourselves the most.

“Responsible adults follow every detail of every crime and every tragedy.

“Doing this also makes us compassionate.

“Doing this, we will save other people.

“We might become heroes.”

“We will definitely be righteous.”

To which I reply: Hogwash!

How deeply do you need to delve into other people, anyway?

Maybe this sounds strange, coming from a blog (and life work) devoted to the uses of Deeper Perception. But I’m no advocate of going deep as a way of life. Especially now, in thie Age of Aquarius.

Instead I recommend “Shallow up” as a way of life. Except during dedicated Technique Time.

Techniques for aura reading, face reading, and Skilled Empath Merge are great supplements for self-healing. For moving forward on your path to Enlightenment. Or when you are learning about people in order to be more effective in life.

In short, deeper perception is useful when you have skin in the game, and it isn’t simply a matter of morbid curiousity into “How low can we go?”

It sure helps me to use the following guidelines.

When there is a relationship with problems that you need to fix

Do you have a problem with a particular person? You can fix without resorting to a mental health label:

  1. Maybe the relationship is optional. If not, ’tis time to fix it as much as you can, for now.
  2. How much time you spend with this person? Scale it back as much as you can. Limit the places, the times, and any financial entanglements that can be cleaned up.
  3. What are your expectations for the relationship? Maybe it is time to reconsider them.

Take that poignant example in Comments 14-17 from SOMEBODY ELSE. When she wrote about a husband who might or might not be a narcissist, she referred to children. It could make practical sense for her to stay in that marriage until the children are grown. Maybe beyond.

Analyzing someone when he is not your client, and you are not a psychologist? As SOMEBODY ELSE wisely noted, that just made her feel bad.

Fixing a relationship, to me, means that you lower your expectations, use your humanly-earned coping skills and refuse to take that creepy  individual’s behavior personally.

As for fixing that narcissist or player or drug addict, etc. That’s really not your job.

With all respect, should this have tempted you, please stop trying to fix somebody who can’t be fixed by you. The sooner you stop trying, the better.

And, of course, the Age of Aquarius Part

Why do new fears emerge now, almost as if fearing contimination by somebody else’s energies?

When you live has a lot to do with it. We’re still getting used to the new Age of Aquarius, whose defining characteristic is this: All humans can notice energy more easily.

You may not go to the extreme of calling that difficult person in your life a “narcissist” or other names that grew popular in the decades leading up to The Shift into this Age of Aquarius.  Yet you still may feel uncomfortable around certain people’s energies.

  • To deal with that better, don’t play psychiatrist. Don’t add a mental health label. Name calling isn’t required for you to notice human-type problems in a relationship.
  • Don’t try to translate human problems into energy problems either.
  • Deal with human problems humanly, through speech and action. Where you go and where you don’t go. How you spend your money and time. Whether you take that phonecall or not.
  • Sure energies can be a factor. But STUFF is not healed by paying attention to energies. STUFF is healed with dedicated skills, like those in Energy Spirituality.

Doesn’t that make sense?

 

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  1. 1
    David FB says:

    Whew, Rose
    “Where we put our attention grows stronger in our lives.” Greatly agreed. If you recognize that consciousness is fundamental, everything is because of attention.

    And the corollary I mentioned on the other thread, ‘what you resist persists’. Resistance creates inertia and friction. Friction feeds it back on itself. Plus, we become an amplifier for people with what we’re resisting. It’s a principle of nature, seeking resolution.

  2. 2

    So true, DAVID FB, that “What you resist persists.”

    Related to that, here is what I have found. It is very common that people try to control away some difficult behavior. This can work for a while, but at increasing personal cost. And sooner or later the person relaxes.

    Then uh-oh! Whatever the person tried to hide or avoid comes out all the more strongly.

    Gotta love Earth School!

  3. 3

    With all the suggestions in today’s long post, here is something that might be helpful for some of you Blog-Buddies. Something else I have learned from helping clients….

    I’ll use the example of JOE.

    Say that JOE is using his best, and most realistic, coping skills for dealing with a narcissist at home. JOE thinks he is doing fine, under the circumstances.

    Only health problems begin to develop.

    Soon as this happens, it’s time to take action on the health problems. But it’s also important to revisit whatever compromises were being made “for the sake of….”

  4. 4

    Health problems can be a very human reminder of the price JOE has paid to keep the peace.

    Is the solution to keep on paying that much? In that particular way?

    Really?

    Many a client uses energy medicine or EFT, etc., to cope with the new set of problems that arise because JOE’S human-level behaviors are still not enough to protect him.

    Only now, adding to the mess, JOE may start blaming his body for adding to his problems. While really it is alerting him, since he had refused to hear subtler behavioral or emotional messages.

    Beware!

  5. 5
    Lilian says:

    There’s some good points there Rose. I’ve had someone play the psychologist to me, and that really wasn’t fun. They could have applied critical thinking skills instead. 🙂

    I think in the comments we got into deeper elements of dealing with particular situations. Figuring out what to say, do and think in each life situation is an endless task.

  6. 6
    Primmie says:

    This is a very useful post Rose, thank you. I really really like the idea of shallowing up. I notice now and again that I miss certain subtle social cues. I read an article a while back where a mother was saying how intimidated she was by another mother always dressing her child perfectly. Later, a commentator wrote how it was so obvious that this mother was actually sneering at the other mother’s social inferiority and need to be seen as perfect. Did I get that from the article? No. I missed that completely.

    It occurred to me that in the past I would have picked up the subtle social sneer immediately. Now I don’t. I am less tuned in to others. For me it’s wonderful to not notice these things.

    It’s a small thing in a way, but a lovely thing. It was anxiety and fear that made me feel I must be hyper-vigilantly aware of others. Having that fall away feels really good.

  7. 7
    Louise says:

    Thats so interesting Primmie,I hope I can soon be less sensitive and shallow up much more. 2 weeks into my session with Rose and becoming the most important person in the room and understanding with her help what that involves. When I first left the evangelical church several years ago this is the first thing that changed, me being willing to be more shallow and not needing or wanting to get into these deep solemn conversations.

    Obviously I have a ways to go. Was at Wallmart tonight and came home with other people’s STUFF, I imagine being shallow would prevent that! Thanks Rose!

  8. 8
    Lilian says:

    Also, if Rose would let me this comedy sketch is quite relevant to empaths. Sit through it.

    “we help goths engage in everyday healthy pursuits…”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N1M7Kwl81A

  9. 9
    Lilian says:

    There’s a difference between being compassionate and having social and emotional intelligence and doing an unskilled merge.

    Being considerate and aware of people around you is always a good thing.

  10. 10
    Lilian says:

    You don’t have to merge to do that.

    If the bus driver looks tired, you can just smile at them and chat a bit to cheer them up.

    You can help out in an old folks home.

    It’s easy to see what you can do to make someone smile. It’s just observation and presence of mind.

  11. 11
    Lilian says:

    Merging all over the place without any purpose can create bad vibes. It can be intrusive to others and not solve anything.

    The thing with social intelligence is that one size fits all advice and soundbites etc don’t always work.

    Does what you resist persist or does being appropriately assertive help break an unhelpful dynamic instead in some cases?

    You’ve got to put in the attention and thinking time to listen to what people say and ask what they mean exactly.

  12. 12
    Lilian says:

    People like social workers (like my beloved foster mother!) spend their lives reflecting on their actions to learn what to do and say by experience.

    What she taught me was basically “shallowing up”.

    That certainly put a stop to me clutching my rosary beads and pretty much saved my life.

  13. 13
    Suz says:

    Suz felt like smacking someone because she is currently working on something. 🙂

    I’ve long ago forgiven the terrifying treatment I endured at the hands of my narcissist. I no longer have any triggers about it, thanks to EFT.

  14. 14
    Suz says:

    However, I am still working to change some of the maladaptive behaviors I learned when I was six, and nine, and 13. I’m down to working on (with help!) the faulty split-second subconscious reactions that cause me and others trouble. It’s turned out to be difficult, even with intentional awareness.
    So if I’m cranky, it’s because I “shouldn’t” have to be fixing behaviors after a whole lifetime of work. It throws a wrench (a spanner, if you will) into the work of becoming a skilled empath.

    The narcissistic parent? She doesn’t get to matter. What matters is my behavior.

  15. 15

    SUZ, I really like that conclusion: The narcissistic parent doesn’t get to matter. You do, and I applaud your courage, just as I appreciate your sharing here at the blog.

    If I might add one comment each in two of my roles here at “Deeper Perception Made Practical.”

    #1. As a teacher of empath skills, I hope to make this point clearly. Gaining empath skills is not work. It does not have to take a long time. Empath Empowerment is not work comparable to the huge efforts you have been doing psychologically and through E.F.T. and all the other modalities you have been using.

    With all respect, if you — or anyone reading this blog — is finding that you have to do a lot of work to become a skilled empath, there is more going on than STUFF related to being an empath. So please go straight to the next comment here.

  16. 16

    #2. As a practitioner of Energy Spirituality, I would like to communicate that this is a modality that permanently removes STUFF.

    Empath skills remove just one type of STUFF, Imported STUFF.

    My two books for self-healing, on cutting cords of attachment and on Spiritual Cleansing and Protection, are designed for people who have not gone through that much hell, SUZ.

    The powerful techniques you can learn from those books definitely do work. However, these books do not address many of the 15 kinds of STUFF listed here.

  17. 17

    For any of you Blog-Buddies who would otherwise go to an expert at psychotherapy or other ways of working on yourself, there are limits to self-healing compared with having sessions as a client.

    You know, with an expert in this field.

    It would be great if you would have a few phone sessions of Rosetree Energy Spirituality with a professional at that field, one of my program graduates or me.

    You might be amazed at how much work you then do NOT have to do. Just saying.

  18. 18
    Suz says:

    Rose, I believe you’re right on all points, and I appreciate your saying so.

  19. 19
    Lilian says:

    Yes, I second Rose’s comments.

    I’ve worked so hard on not acting on certain feelings. Though trying to not act on anger (or despair, depression etc) or trying to meditate them away doesn’t give you the peace that you actually need.

    I definitely recommend Rose. It’s taken me a while to trust another “practitioner” but it is worth it. All that stuff you spend your life dancing around, she can indeed get it out and help you move on with your life.

    I’ve been having a great few days seeing some stuff fly away!

  20. 20

    I am a professional counselor and I use the labels or diagnoses for information or to know how to help someone. I had a parent who had the characteristics of a narcissist. Knowing this helped me to not take the behavior so personally and realize the reason for low self esteem, the building of a false self. I stopped expecting to recieve but learned to give love even if I had to process some hurt feelings sometimes. Contrary to what some professionals think, I have seen changes and healing in some individuals when they are able to confront early childhood issues. I agree that labeling people and seeing them as toxic due to this label can be as destructive as the behavior itself. Setting boundaries and loving has been the best solution for me as a person and a therapist.

  21. 21

    SUZ, it’s a relief that you took my comments in the spirit intended. Especially when the whole topic was fraught with so much pain.

    And thank you, too, LILIAN. I’m honored to be able to help.

    JOAN MARIE, thank you, too. Here at Earth School, what is sweeter than positive changes and healing?

  22. 22
    Lilian says:

    Thank you Joan Marie, for that. It’s beautiful that you kept your relationship manageable. 🙂 Part of my sadness was that I knew I had to give up for my own sake. It’s true, noone is toxic. In fact, everyone is beautiful in countless ways, but we all have our human limitations also.

    I’ve actually got to the point where I appreciate the opportunity to understand a lot about anger. Understanding that feeling angry doesn’t necessarily separate me from God.

    To be honest, I think most of our spiritual guides could probably see us as unevolved narcissists. But they love us anyway!

  23. 23
    Lilian says:

    Suz, do get in touch. You sound pretty amazing. 🙂 I particularly note you have kept a sense of humour about things!! I know Rose would love helping you.

  24. 24
    Suz says:

    Thanks, Lilian, for sharing.

  25. 25
    Amanda says:

    What a lovely article, Rose, and you made me laugh again. I did get involved, probably because my parents are having a tough time with my granny.

    This is the real answer, though – shallowing up.

    I love what Primmie says. Losing that hypervigilance is just wonderful.

    Thank you for an inspiring series of articles.

    Amanda

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