Phew! Today’s article finally concludes our series on protecting yourself from difficult people, a.k.a. narcissists, draining people, toxic personalities, energy vampires, psychic vampires, or just plain “somebody difficult.” The series began here, and includes seven posts from me plus a guest post.
Previously I gave you a small experiment, and there’s still time to do it before moving into today’s post. If you missed that Narcissist Quiz, why not take the three minutes? Go straight to Protect Yourself Energetically from Narcissists, Part 6 of 7. Take that short experimental quiz, and then let’s get going.
That quiz emphasized the effects on YOU, labeling somebody as a narcissist.
What our Narcissist Quiz comments showed
We had many lively comments at Protect Yourself Energetically from Narcissists, Part 6 of 7 and then the guest post that ZELDA courageously contributed.
Every single comment was appreciated. And they showed qualities of our online community that make me proud to participate: Commitment to personal development, honesty, independent thinking, sharing at the level of appropriate depth to our conversation. And great civility.
Today might be a good day to spread the word about this blog. Whether for the more lighthearted conversations we have here or for this sort of topic, personal development in post-New Age style.
As Lilian noted in Comment 33, here, “Discussing these things on forums is hard. I dont usually bother with social media at all, but this blog seems worth the effort. ”
Responses to that quiz about narcissists
Much as all the comments on the narcissist thread were valued, here I’m going to summarize just the responses from those who answered the question I posed, which was How much has it helped me, assessing the horrible qualities of my Narcissist Candidate?
KIRA felt satisfied with herself, intellectually satisfied.
AMANDA laughed, initially. But then an array of very personal emotions followed in subsequent comments. With characteristic depth of intent, and striving for personal accountability, AMANDA learned and learned big.
LILIAN felt trapped and fearful.
SUZ felt angry, with terrible past memories stirred up.
SOMEBODY ELSE found it surprisingly disturbing to go through the quiz process.
PRIMMIE didn’t want to do the quiz at all. (As we discussed later in the thread, she has come a long way from her participation at the blog initially, when she would have leapt at the chance.)
ZELDA’s response was intense enough to generate a passionate guest post about dealing with narcissists. For good reason, she found this Narcissist Quiz upsetting.
LARA didn’t have any particular reaction. Although she sure has had direct experience with narcissists.
(A small side note, from my role as an Enlightenment Coach: LARA has moved into Enlightenment. Which explains a lot. She doesn’t have significant internal STUFF that would resonate with the quiz questions; hence the “no particular reaction.” By contrast, Blog-Buddy AMANDA has also moved into Enlightenment. She chose to get involved in a personal way, for the sake of her human growth. And therefore the quiz experience was extra intense for her.)
LARA also asked what this Narcissist Quiz was supposed to show. A very good question, although not one that it would have been smart of me to mention before anyone took that quiz. 😉
What was this Narcissist Quiz supposed to show?
Where we put our attention grows stronger in our lives.
So when it comes to theorizing about various mental health problems, we had better have a really good reason before going there. Don’t you think?
If we start looking for narcissists — or energy vampires, psychic vampires, toxic personalities, draining people, we will find them. That’s how the human mind works.
Even the process of going through a checklist can stir up uncomfortable memories, thoughts, and (for someone as deeply circumspect as AMANDA — or slightly approaching that degree of intense personal scrupulousness), we might start to worry that we may have the dreaded qualities.
Apart from KIRA, with her tremendous intellectual adventurousness, this quiz wasn’t just a cerebral adventure. It became very personal very fast.
Going through that exercise, you weren’t going through this list of narcissism attributes during a session with a mental health professional, someone who was supporting SUZ or LARA or LILIAN or ZELDA or, perhaps, you to overcome past or present pain.
No, this Narcissism Quiz was like many such resources you’ll find on the Internet. Where anything goes, and “Just do it” is the ruling idea, rather than “What is the point of doing this?” or even “Will this be safe for me to do?”
Just because something is available. And free. Doesn’t mean it is safe to do.
However, in this case I thought this quiz would be fine for you Blog-Buddies and lurkers. Because…
This blog is about Energy Spirituality. Which offers you an alternative to psychotherapy. And where you can use self-healing techniques to clean up several of the 15 kinds of STUFF that can cause a person to become upset at a discussion of narcissists.
- If you suspect you might be an empath, it is really important to get yourself skills. I recommend “Become The Most Important Person in the Room.”
- Next up, learn the skill set of “Use Your Power of Command for Spiritual Cleansing and Protection.”
- Develop skills of energetic literacy to help you gain discernment about people.
- Then learn to cut cords of attachment for self-healing.
Did you note the sequence here? Many newbies to Energy Spirituality assume that the only problem is a cord of attachment to the narcissist. Not true.
Not true at all, based on my experience in this field. Which is why when folks go for expert help in a session with me they are urged not to seek a cord-cutting session.
Instead, it’s smarter to bring an intention and let an expert in this field use professional-level skills of energetic literacy to discern what is actually going on with you energetically and subconsciously. Then that expert will use additional skills of Energy Spirituality to select whichever type of energy healing is most appropriate for helping you. And then go forward to help you!
The other point of the Narcissist Quiz was…
To help you think through a question that is usually absent from all the hoopla about labeling people:
Why call people narcissists? Why bother? What is the value? What are the consequences for you?
And, similarly, why call someone a draining person, a toxic personality, an energy vampire, a psychic vampire, etc.? In short…
Narcissism is a serious mental health diagnosis, not just a popular or convenient insult.
When you fling out a mental health diagnosis, what good does it do?
- Does it bring you strength? (Why?)
- Do you fix problems better? (Why?)
- Help you stop feeling like a hopeless victim? (Why?)
Admittedly, most of us have needed to do that sometimes. In this part of our conversation at the recent Narcissism Quiz, LARA put it poignantly:
Not labeling can also be a luxury only afforded to those who dont have to.
If you are in psychotherapy or dealing with police or a social worker, that’s the time to let a professional in the field pull out a mental health diagnosis.
But that kind of labeling is not what you will usually find people doing all over the Internet, is it? If you like, check out the 2,860,000 hits I just got from googling the word “narcissist.”
Probably, though, you have done one very healthy version of narcissist name-calling
As a teenager, you probably went through a stage when you had to break away from the family.
Seems to me, this separation is a healthy requirement for many of us. Yes, required psychologically and socially. If we are to fully individuate as adults.
Back in the day, you probably didn’t call those terrible people “Narcissists.” You simply called them them “PARENTS.”
Sometimes we humans need someone to push against. That’s how we find our strength.
Otherwise, as more-or-less free-standing adults, maybe it’s time to rethink the notion that seems popular right now in collective consciousness. Seems to me, the social programming goes like this:
“There are BAD PEOPLE, dangerous people.
“We should see them on the news and read about them in newspapers.
“As responsible adults must keep as aware of them as possible.
“If we can catalog all the various forms of malevolence, we will protect ourselves the most.
“Responsible adults follow every detail of every crime and every tragedy.
“Doing this also makes us compassionate.
“Doing this, we will save other people.
“We might become heroes.”
“We will definitely be righteous.”
To which I reply: Hogwash!
How deeply do you need to delve into other people, anyway?
Maybe this sounds strange, coming from a blog (and life work) devoted to the uses of Deeper Perception. But I’m no advocate of going deep as a way of life. Especially now, in thie Age of Aquarius.
Instead I recommend “Shallow up” as a way of life. Except during dedicated Technique Time.
Techniques for aura reading, face reading, and Skilled Empath Merge are great supplements for self-healing. For moving forward on your path to Enlightenment. Or when you are learning about people in order to be more effective in life.
In short, deeper perception is useful when you have skin in the game, and it isn’t simply a matter of morbid curiousity into “How low can we go?”
It sure helps me to use the following guidelines.
When there is a relationship with problems that you need to fix
Do you have a problem with a particular person? You can fix without resorting to a mental health label:
- Maybe the relationship is optional. If not, ’tis time to fix it as much as you can, for now.
- How much time you spend with this person? Scale it back as much as you can. Limit the places, the times, and any financial entanglements that can be cleaned up.
- What are your expectations for the relationship? Maybe it is time to reconsider them.
Take that poignant example in Comments 14-17 from SOMEBODY ELSE. When she wrote about a husband who might or might not be a narcissist, she referred to children. It could make practical sense for her to stay in that marriage until the children are grown. Maybe beyond.
Analyzing someone when he is not your client, and you are not a psychologist? As SOMEBODY ELSE wisely noted, that just made her feel bad.
Fixing a relationship, to me, means that you lower your expectations, use your humanly-earned coping skills and refuse to take that creepy individual’s behavior personally.
As for fixing that narcissist or player or drug addict, etc. That’s really not your job.
With all respect, should this have tempted you, please stop trying to fix somebody who can’t be fixed by you. The sooner you stop trying, the better.
And, of course, the Age of Aquarius Part
Why do new fears emerge now, almost as if fearing contimination by somebody else’s energies?
When you live has a lot to do with it. We’re still getting used to the new Age of Aquarius, whose defining characteristic is this: All humans can notice energy more easily.
You may not go to the extreme of calling that difficult person in your life a “narcissist” or other names that grew popular in the decades leading up to The Shift into this Age of Aquarius. Yet you still may feel uncomfortable around certain people’s energies.
- To deal with that better, don’t play psychiatrist. Don’t add a mental health label. Name calling isn’t required for you to notice human-type problems in a relationship.
- Don’t try to translate human problems into energy problems either.
- Deal with human problems humanly, through speech and action. Where you go and where you don’t go. How you spend your money and time. Whether you take that phonecall or not.
- Sure energies can be a factor. But STUFF is not healed by paying attention to energies. STUFF is healed with dedicated skills, like those in Energy Spirituality.
Doesn’t that make sense?