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How This Empowered Empath Stopped Faking It. A Guest Post by IRENE

"Like me. Love me. Please!" Is that a good enough reason to act CHEERFUL?

“Like me. Love me. Please!”
Is that a good enough reason to act CHEERFUL?

What is that person telling you, really? So often, it’s simple.

First, a big welcoming smile. Then, “I’m fine. How are you?”

Isn’t the underlying message often something this?

“Like me. Please, like me. Respect me. Love me.”

It’s not just human to wish to be loved. Seems to me, this is one of the ways that we incarnated beings often reveal how much we are…

Homesick for Heaven

Because in the celestial world where YOU lived before incarnating this time, it really was like that.

You didn’t have to sit around the campfire and sing “Kumbaya.” You lived in a celestial realm that was inhabited exclusively by souls at your vibration.

Back then you were an angel, accompanied by angels like you. You felt so very connected to God and all that is.

And yet you bravely incarnated on Earth School. (I’m so glad you did. And, especially, I’m glad because living here you can pursue your personal path to Enlightenment, something that can’t be done in a heaven.)

In today’s guest post, Blog-Buddy IRENE shares her recent discoveries about abandoning cheerfulness in favor of….

When How We Act Is… Acting

Often we think that certain behaviors are required for social reasons.

Two comments at this blog got me thinking.

EmilyH: “It’s generally polite to smile even when you don’t want to sometimes.”

Alan: “You know how your eyes change when you genuinely smile? Mimic that without smiling as you go out through your day and you may notice your whole persona change.”

Both comments describe taking an action to express a feeling (happiness) that you’re not actually feeling at that moment.

I’m starting to wonder if that is *ever* appropriate.

Faking Cheerfulness. Could I Stop It?

That blog post was “How Aura Reading Can Help You with the SOCIAL Aspect of Personal Presence.” In the discussion there, I commented:

“I only just stopped faking cheerfulness as a way of handling pain (physical and emotional). It took several sessions with Rose to get here.

“It’s a big shift in how I function energetically, so must be shifting my auric modeling, too.

“It also has more obvious external signs as well. A polite smile, as EmilyH describes, only happens briefly for social reasons now, which is a very different thing than the distortion that the smile was before (trying to mask what I was feeling).

“It’s astonishingly comforting, and freeing in to a degree I wouldn’t have expected.”

Now Here’s Part Two of That Story

Honesty, for me, is both increasing and having a ripple effect outward. This ripple effect goes all the way through to my sense of self and personal power.

For example, I just told an acquaintance that I felt uncomfortable at our social get-together last night because, while posing for a photo, he grabbed my ankle to point towards my brand-new shoes.

I don’t like anyone I don’t know well touching me, particularly without asking me first.

For social reasons, I didn’t say or do anything last night.

  • At the time, it didn’t even really click that it was an issue to me (though I was uncomfortable).
  • Anyway, I didn’t think there was a thing I could do about it.
  • Besides, this person held my ankle for less than 30 seconds, has never touched me without warning before and probably wouldn’t in the future either.

Wasn’t I Making a Big Deal out of Nothing?

Except it bothered me. Despite my brushing it off last night to avoid making social waves, it bothered me.

Afterwards I kept on thinking about what happened. Every time, it bothered me.

So today I told him.

Now he knows how I feel, and that something he did made me uncomfortable. Now he knows how to be a better acquaintance to me in the future.

And he was grateful that I told him.

What a Discovery!

Never before had I done anything quite like this. In the past, I would wait until I was really miserable and uncomfortable, and the actions had been repeated many times.

This time, not only was I (almost) immediately honest with myself. (“Hey, that bothered me.)

But then I communicated that directly to the other person, and I did it pretty soon after it happened.

For Me, This Was a Big Deal

It took some reminding that it was important to me. I needed to make sure I really went through with speaking up for myself. Afterwards, it took me some time to settle again, “re-inserting myself into objective reality” (to use a term from Rosetree Energy Spirituality — RES).

For some, this speaking up for myself might seem like no big deal. But it’s brand new for me.  🙂

What is more significant?

And this is lasting.

I feel oh-so-incredibly powerful and proud of myself.

I really can do and say things to get what I want. And I don’t have to just go along with things or express certain feelings because it’s the socially acceptable thing to do.

I expect that as I become more accustomed to this, my emotional reaction won’t be as extreme.

And there may also be situations where the person I tell reacts negatively to what I say.

But I do think that total honesty with myself about what I’m feeling as well as honesty as appropriate with others (definitely no outright deceit, no matter how socially expected) is of critical importance to my sense of self, my personal power, and my ability to say and do things to get what I want in my life.

There’s likely to be an impact to my personal presence as well.

As I continue with more honesty rather than social faking, I’m rather curious to see what I’ll notice about how others react to me. Maybe there will be a Part Three to this story. 🙂

 

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  1. 1
    Jessica Gates says:

    Yay Irene! 🙂

  2. 2
    David B says:

    Congrats – a nice step forward.

    I’ve had areas of life where I was similar. Go with the flow, don’t rock the boat, etc. Then I realized I had noting to complain about if I didn’t assert myself.

    Later, this became a key part of my business – telling people what needs fixing. They’re not always happy to hear but pay well for it. 🙂

  3. 3
    EmilyH says:

    Haha, yes my comment before was partially what I had noticed about myself.

    If I didn’t smile it might be more obvious how much I really don’t want to see or talk to people (at times). Along with the underlying things that I really feel.

    Theres many other things going on.

  4. 4
    EmilyH says:

    I’m not really sure if I’m an empath but I do hope to learn the skills in the first book and become skilled as you have.

    I feel I am definitely an honest person but maybe not in the way that I socially interact with people.

    I believe I’m honest with myself in those interactions. I think that’s great that you have that freedom to tell people how you feel regardless of their response.

  5. 5
    EmilyH says:

    I usually don’t like social norms.. to me it seems like they are not easy to ignore.

  6. 6
    Amanda says:

    Irene, that’s great. I noticed more comfort too once I started to assert myself more.

    It’s also an interesting way to discover the dynamics at play with the people around you. You may find some of your friendships depended on you not rocking any boats and those people will vanish.

    With others, friendships will deepen.

    🙂

    Amanda

  7. 7
    Kylie says:

    Great post Irene. This is an ongoing issue for me as well–forced cheerfulness is something I grew up with, something many of my female relatives have, and have paid a price for.

  8. 8
    Gia says:

    I understand not letting others get away with being disrespectful or rude but having had a lot of exposure to a sister with A LOT of stuff esp around being disrespected it can get really destructive.

    Most of us still have “stuff” how do you know when maybe it’s just your “stuff”being triggered
    or when it’s time to speak up??

  9. 9
    Irene says:

    Thanks for your comments, Jessica Gates, David B, EmilyH, Amanda and Kylie!

    Amanda, I already have one friendship that’s closer as a result of this. 🙂

  10. 10
    Irene says:

    EmilyH, in particular, I appreciate your earlier comment and your comments here so much!

    It really got me wondering about the impact of my choices to keep social peace, and led to some insights that I’m very grateful for.

  11. 11
    Irene says:

    For me, trying to improve my life while being an empath without empath skills was like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it. A huge amount of work for very, very small results.

    I’d encourage you to go through the 30 day plan in Become the Most Important Person in the Room even without knowing for sure if you’re an empath. Then see if your life is better afterward. (Or if your budget allows, have a session with Rose). It can make such a difference!

  12. 12
    Irene says:

    Honesty is hugely important to me too. And social norms, which to me usually equaled “what do other people think/feel about what I do”. These values were very shaped by my unskilled empath-ness.

    Particularly since I don’t want to completely ignore social norms. That would have a negative impact on my social presence. I want to continue to choose what is appropriate behavior, language and amounts to share in social situations.

  13. 13
    Irene says:

    However, what I’m able to do now is see where I was hiding bits of myself from me and from others in order to fit social expectations. I was trying to hide my pain and discomfort to protect others from feeling uncomfortable or upset by my experiences.

    And in the process I was forgetting that those parts of me were there and also preventing others from knowing me.

    It is remarkably freeing to ditch the Stuff in this area.

  14. 14
    Irene says:

    So far part three of this story is “Oh boy! It’s challenging to get used to not denying how challenging things are”. It means I’m much more aware of how challenging things are in my life. There’s a price to be paid on both sides of this choice.

    Socially, things are very positive and much more comfortable. Personally, there’s more going on.

  15. 15
    Irene says:

    Fake cheerfulness kept a layer of numbness between me and what happened (and between me and other people). I didn’t ever quite feel how much something hurt. This didn’t mean it wasn’t hurting me that much; just that I didn’t entirely admit I felt it.

    It also prevented me from doing anything to change the situation and from the growth that would result. And prevented me from letting anyone know who I am and what I actually want.

  16. 16
    Irene says:

    Now, I feel it. That is really difficult at times.

    However the huge reward for this is that I can grow and move forward. I’m not so buffered against reality that I just bounce in place.

  17. 17
    Irene says:

    Rather than cheerfully pretending that I don’t really need anything else and “I’m fine”, now I can see what I want more easily. Now I can say things and do things to actually make what I want happen.

    This is accelerating and having a cumulative effect in my relationships and interactions.

  18. 18
    Irene says:

    The other big bonus is comfort. Yes, I’m noticing I feel more pain, however in social relationships, I’m way more comfortable.

    I’m not trying to gauge what to say and how to try to get what I want when maybe I think I want it though I’m not sure and I don’t think I can ask for it anyway.

    I’m not fussed about “well maybe they won’t like me if they really know who I am”. I am much more me, comfortably in my own skin. And that alone is worth it to me.

  19. 19

    GIA, I am sure you mean well in posing this question on my blog, but it unintentionally crosses a line at this blog about asking for advice.

    There is no “general principle” that exists about the problems you are having with your sister. Your best resource is having one or more personal sessions with an RES expert.

    BTW, saying that “STUFF is being triggered” by a situation is technically incorrect. I won’t go into all the details here. Let’s wait until you’re my apprentice. 😉

    For now suffice it to say that you’re better off saying you are having a hard time dealing with what your sister says and does. Energy talk (even RES-type energy talk) is not going to fix that.

  20. 20

    So, sadly, I am not going to be able to advise you on this problem.

    In the context of this educational blog, and what it IS for — teaching! — let me make a small technical point, though.

    It’s a waste of time to try to figure out which problems are caused by STUFF. Do the human best you can in life. Otherwise, get help from an RES expert.

  21. 21
    David B says:

    Thanks for sharing, Irene. I can say it gets much easier for the most part.

    The difficulty and pain we experience is often the result of how we’re responding to life. When struggles like this are resolved, they cease to be painful.

    That’s not to say we won’t have challenges. Only that things get simpler and more straightforward. More of that clarity you mentioned.

  22. 22
    Irene says:

    Gia, thanks for your comment. All I can say in reply is that gaining empath skills and removing Stuff with RES sessions has helped me tremendously in being able to handle social situations more effectively.

    That doesn’t replace learning social skills, choosing which conversations and relationships to pursue and which to limit, and all the other human-level social things. But RES has helped to make that human level work better for me. And I really appreciate that.

  23. 23
    Irene says:

    David B, thank you.

    It’s a price worth paying as far as I can tell 🙂

  24. 24
    Ann F says:

    I am a new commenter and the blog is my new comfort food!

    Thank you, Irene, for writing about your progress. I am encouraged as I, too, am doing the same thing after Rose’s Empath Workshop this spring.

  25. 25
    Ann F says:

    One thing that I am observing is that I talk very aggressively to some immediate family members when I speak up for myself.

    I don’t want to do this, but since it is a new skill and I am still a bit insecure, it seems to be an unfortunate side effect.

  26. 26
    Ann F says:

    I am trusting that it will subside as I get stronger and am able speak in a more even tone.

    Despite this, I am so grateful for every experience when I open my mouth and let people know who I am or what I need.

    Reading these experiences on the blog are so helpful for me to gain courage to continue doing this.

  27. 27
    Irene says:

    Ann F, welcome to the blog and thanks for your encouraging comments. 🙂

    Some awkwardness seems to be part of the price as we learn skills, doesn’t it. It’s so helpful to have community support during the process.

  28. 28
    Irene says:

    This was a strange post to write because I’d bet everyone I know would think that I have always been really good at asking for what I wanted and never putting up with anything I didn’t have to. Plus I’d always considered myself as very honest and forthright (sometimes too much so for comfort).

    The impacts and effects of deep-rooted denial look different than I expected. It’s like taking off a mask and finding out everything underneath is almost the complete opposite.

  29. 29
    Irene says:

    Here’s another brand-new idea that’s related (for me at least): What if I’m able to stand up just for myself?

    Not needing to protect and defend and ensure justice and fair treatment for everyone else as well as myself. Able to look for the information that interests me, the support that I need and the activities that I want to do, all the way down to the food that I want to eat and rest when I want to rest?

    I don’t have to take care of everyone else as well as me.

  30. 30
    Irene says:

    Maybe this is not selfish, but rather appropriately taking care of myself and respecting the self-authority of others to choose how they will meet their own needs.

    Corresponding to this is less need to know and control everything and have all the answers. If I only have to answer the questions that I have, I don’t have to try to know everything. That sure calms down the pressure.

  31. 31
    Lilian says:

    I’m with you Ann F and Irene.

    I know what you’re talking about Ann F, it gets easier, and Irene, I understand your conclusions about self authority. 🙂

  32. 32
    Ann F says:

    So fun to hear your observations and be encouraged, Irene and Lilian.

    Regarding the “not having to take care of defending and protecting other people”, –yes, it is so freeing just taking care of oneself.

  33. 33
    Ann F says:

    While running errands today, I felt so self-possessed and confident just doing what interested me and thinking mainly about myself.

    I felt better able to communicate with people concisely and sprinkle appropriate small talk in where needed.

  34. 34
    Ann F says:

    What a difference it makes not slogging around merging with everyone while trying to comfort people with a smile or unintended cheerful conversation.

  35. 35
    Ann F says:

    I, too, feel like people might be surprised at my former self-sacrificing ways because sometimes I come off blunt or distant, but I think it is because I am resentful at being so deep all the time while others are so flighty.

    Now, however, I notice that this dynamic is fading, and I am able to stay engaged with social interactions longer because I am much more shallow.

  36. 36
    EmilyH says:

    Irene thanks for your comments. I think those are some good things to think about. For me it’s a challenge to breakthrough the layer of judgement that other people may or may not have and what other people want you to say or do. Having high expectations..

    At times there’s the vague feeling like I don’t know myself and what I want. It sounds like you’re conquering that for yourself.

    I would love to be more of myself. You have given some great insight here too. I’m glad that you are feeling empowered.

  37. 37
    Irene says:

    Empath skills and getting rid of Stuff are so great and helpful for being able to live human life effectively.

    I love how we get to have the goal to be more shallow 🙂

  38. 38
    Lilian says:

    You know, my natural setting is to be self-confident and self-assured, and somewhat hot headed at times.

    And I’m actually a very private person in real life when it comes to my feelings and whatnot.

  39. 39
    Lilian says:

    So my conflict has been about having information about others that I don’t want in my head, and trying not to use this in arguments or conflict for fear of being manipulative.

    So being more skilled means that I can just the difficult convos (which are always there in life, right..) without having to second guess where I’m getting this “info” from.

    Then I don’t have to worry about if what I’m saying is “fair” or not… 🙂

  40. 40
    Lilian says:

    Anyway, that’s just an example of the flip side of feeling like a victim.

    As an empath, you do have a lot of power. With my gifts I know I can influence people in specific ways.

    Knowing how to use that in an ethical and productive way takes a bit of thought. Most of us instinctively want to use our gifts to help people.

    I’ve found I’ve had to learn how to trust myself.

  41. 41

    IRENE, how I have been enjoying your latest comments.

    Yet finally, with Comment #37, this Empath Coach (and Enlightenment Coach) has found something to question, for the sake of learning.

    For any part of RES, including Empath Empowerment, it really a goal “to be more shallow”?

  42. 42

    Oh, I think not!

    In fact, it’s such an important distinction that I’m going to devote one of my next blog posts about THE NEW STRONG to that very topic. Ha ha!

  43. 43
    Irene says:

    What I was trying (poorly) to say is that I’m generally more shallowed up and that is helpful for human life rather than trying to solve human problems by trying to understand my feelings and thoughts and those of others more deeply all the time.

  44. 44
    Irene says:

    So in human life outside of technique time my goal is to stay at a shallow human level as contrasted with dipping deeper into the astral.

    Though I’m quite sure there are nuances to all this I don’t yet have a handle on. I’m curious to see your next post.

  45. 45

    Oh, IRENE, you weren’t deficient in what you said in these last comments. No poorly, nuh-uh!

    It’s just a very important topic. I will address it in a blog post SOON, but the next one that I write will be QUIZ Answers, of course.

    Yeah, team! We’re all learning together.

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