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Narcissists. The Worst Way they Hurt You

Narcissists Unexpectedly Hurting You. What’s the big problem with becoming an expert on narcissists?

Narcissists Unexpectedly Hurting You. What’s the worst way that narcissists are hurting your life right now?

Do you worry that narcissists in your life might hurt you?

My answer comes aura research. Specifically, from helping Energy Spirituality clients.

Warning: What I have to share with you here… Maybe it will shock you. But please, keep an open mind.

Since you’ve got self-authority, right? So here’s a fine way to give it a workout.

First of All, Meet One of Those Scary Narcissists

The kind of person who gets the internet all aflame. Burning with righteous indignation!

Here’s what happened to Joe. Thus far, he’s been my client for 10 years. And for half that time, he’s had the most awful relationship. Perhaps you’ve guessed it…

Ouch, his partner Gladys!

  • Living with Joe.
  • Annoying him every single day.
  • Sharing a not-perfect sex life.
  • And making Joe pretty miserable.

Many a session of Energy Spirituality HEALING aimed to help Joe in this love relationship. Seemed to me, Joe was getting strong enough to finally break up with Gladys. Except it was taking him such a long time!

Some RES Clients Have Sessions Separated by Years

That has been the case with Joe. After a couple of years, he finally booked a session with me. Oboy, did he ever have a load of new STUFF in his aura! Including some STUFF related to sticky drama. (Drama that I helped him get past.) (Granted, that’s not what this article is about. So we won’t go into detail about this. Instead, let’s just note: Joe’s aura — and life — were the biggest mess I’d seen in him yet. )

Nonetheless, triumphantly!, Joe began our session with good news. To paraphrase:

“Finally I broke up with Gladys. It was hard. But here’s what helped me. I’ve spent the last 1 1/2 years learning all about narcissists. Rose, Gladys was such an abusive narcissist.”

Does Learning about Narcissists Really Help People?

I’m a skeptic. And not just because what happened to Joe’s aura. Whereas — for a while, at least — what happened to Joe? Studying narcissists, he turned from a caring guy with an excellent mind… Into a hater. And a self-righteous hater, at that.

Plus… And this seems to be part of the allure. Essential for this new approach to personal empowerment… Joe got to play the part of a poooooooor victimmmmm.

Ick! Not a good look on him!

In a couple of follow-up articles I’ll research some experts in narcissism. Because I’m very curious about how great their auras are doing.

But here and now I’ve got something to say.

Calling People Narcissists Can Hurt YOU

Since I don’t think the changes I saw in Joe were unusual. Rather, they were perfectly logical.

This is how narcissists can hurt you. Even if the people you fear aren’t technically narcissists.

Fearing and hating so-called narcissists will dumb you down. Keep you from thinking clearly. Maybe turn you into a poooooooor victimmmmm. And definitely keep you from noticing what happens in objective reality.

Consequently, blaming narcissists could become your way of solving problems. Keep at it and you could become a hater.

Doesn’t This Good World Already Have Enough Haters?

So many countries are divided politically. Like American MAGA hat wearers voicing hatred. And others reacting with loathing and fear. Already, at this blog, we’ve had a blog post that many of you appreciated. A post about how you may be having random new thoughts of prejudice. And how we can quell those ugly thoughts.

In general, I see Name-Calling Narcissists as an insidious variation. Because nobody has the right to call somebody else a narcissist…

  • Unless they’re mental health professionals.
  • And they have done a professional diagnosis.

Noteworthy: Calling somebody a narcissist isn’t just a trendy insult. Like today’s cool term for “buffoon.” Or “ruffian.” Or a “cad.” This is a mental health diagnosis. Imagine how ridiculous it would be if the next trend was to give a one-size-fits-all health diagnosis. Like, “Oh, my ex Gladys? She was such a leper!

Blog-Buddies, don’t you know people who casually fling around that psychiatric diagnosis? Maybe their favorite go-to insult! Such as, “You hurt my feelings. You aren’t perfect like me. Therefore, all along, you’ve been a narcissist!”

Look, pop psychology may “credential” us all to play pretend therapists. But people who go public with blaming life’s woes on narcissists? Hopefully, they’re not really therapists. To use a technical term, oy veh!

Concerning Gladys, the Alleged Narcissist

While my client Joe was living with Gladys, I researched her aura many times. Based on that, here’s what I noticed:

Sadly, sometimes Gladys acted selfishly. But she gave enough in that relationship to win Joe’s affections. And he’s not a stupid man. Quite the opposite.

Sadly, sometimes Gladys was mean to Joe.Yet Joe kept coming back for more.

Did all this mean that Gladys was a twisted, dangerous demon in human form?

I don’t think so.

Paying the Price for Blaming Narcissists

Blog-Buddies, for everything good thing in our lives, we pay the price.

During a dozen years dating Gladys, Joe paid a certain price. (A price he later called, “Living with that terrible narcissist.”)

Summoning the strength for the breakup, Joe turned to the popular meme. Because these days “narcissists are everywhere.” At least you’d think so to hear people talk.

To me, that’s a very serious problem. Not all the alleged narcissists. But all the casual hating.

What happens when we try to gain strength through hatred? (Since that’s what Joe was doing, IMO.) Don’t we pay a terrible price?

Share Your Thoughts, Blog-Buddies

Has it ever helped you, spending hour after hour in Narcissist Studies?

Does spotting narcissists seem to you like the solution to every problem?

And why is there such an air of sanctimony around calling people narcissists? Like it’s supposed to protect you!

It doesn’t. It hasn’t. And it can’t. — At least, that’s my opinion. What’s yours? COMMENT away! This topic is well worth discussing.

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  1. 1
    Eve says:

    I have, in the past, spent time reading about narcissists.

    At the time it felt good, but you’re right in that it adds hatred. For me it was a substitute for taking action and ending a friendship with someone.

  2. 2

    EVE, thank you for leading off our discussion of this important topic with a comment that packs so much thoughtfulness into a small number of sentences.

    Packing in your honesty. And then extra-honesty. Isn’t it fascinating how hating on narcissists can feel good at the time, but then later not produce the opposite results for the hater… long term?

  3. 3

    Besides that, all that psychological (or pseudo-psychological) name-calling is USUALLY a substitute for paying attention to what — what exactly? — has that person done to you in objective reality.

    And, even more important, what are you going to do about it?

  4. 4
    Brittany says:

    Before any RES sessions/studies, I called people narcissists if they treated me poorly and/or put themselves before other people….ha!

  5. 5
    Brittany says:

    Instead of accepting the fact that someone just wasn’t that into me or didn’t make me a priority, it helped to console myself by finding “what was wrong with them.”

  6. 6
    Brittany says:

    Now? I simply react based on what people say and do. A friend that flakes out on lunch? I just won’t go out to lunch again.

    I find no need to analyze the friend, the situation, or give it/them some sort of label! How freeing it feels!

  7. 7

    And how freeing it is!

    This short series of posts on narcissists — two more to come — aims to help us de-clutter… When it comes to so-called “narcissists.” Thank you so much, BRITTANY, for sharing a very personal light on how this sort of name-calling takes us away from effective behavior. Behavior in objective reality.

  8. 8

    Perhaps related to this thread. And definitely something I’d like to share with you…

    I just finished listening to a YouTube video about “The Power of Modest Clothing.” Full of wisdom, I thought. One application? Depending on how we dress, we may blame others as “narcissists” for hitting on us, or giving a scathing side eye of jealousy, when we never considered the kind of perspective offered here by Brian Holdsworth.

  9. 9
    ATHENA says:

    Oh Rose, I just called out a friend 2 days ago for calling her husband a narcissist. As you said “gaining strength through hatred”.

    I told her exactly what you wrote , she is not a psychologist.

  10. 10
    ATHENA says:

    She then said he checked off all the boxes.

  11. 11
    ATHENA says:

    I told her to evaluate herself using the same criteria and she would find least one incident where she behaved as one.

    If you look for the bad you will surely find it.

  12. 12
    ATHENA says:

    Logging into your blog I saw the title and thought “oh not Rose too”, glad I was wrong.

  13. 13

    ATHENA, me too! (About your Comment #12.) These days, hating on “narcissists” is way too prevalent.

    Today’s post is first in a series of three. I hope all of them prove helpful.

  14. 14

    What you wrote in Comment #10 seems, to me, the point in that conversation… for maybe turning that conversation around. Some questions you might ask in the future, if a friend tells you something like, “I read the article. Now I’m credentialed to diagnose”:

    Where did “the boxes” come from?
    Does reading that make you a mental health professional?

  15. 15

    Do you have any idea how much training it takes to gain legal credentials as a psychotherapist? A clinical psychologist? A psychiatrist?

    And did you do any of that? What qualifies you to diagnose people?

  16. 16

    Finally, here’s a news flash for folks like your well-meaning friend:

    Mental health professionals do not diagnose people, pointing fingers. They treat patients (or clients).

  17. 17
    Leo Watts says:

    Rose, you wrote about narcissists, or more precisely, how labeling people we don’t like as narcissists. is not particularly helpful, must have been 8 or 9 years ago.

    [Note from Blog Monitor Rose: Blog-Buddies, here’s your link to that article. Good catch, LEO!]

  18. 18
    Leo says:

    I found that post very helpful, and back then, reflected on how, especially when I was an unskilled empath, I would seem to encounters “narcissists” a lot.

  19. 19
    Leo says:

    Thinking further, I realized the problem really was that I wasn’t using my personal power to let other people know when their behavior was inappropriate.

  20. 20
    Leo says:

    Since this realization, I haven’t found myself encountering “narcissists” left and right for many years now.

  21. 21
    Leo says:

    In fact, I was in a situation recently that old-me may have interpreted as “getting bullied by a narcissist.”

    What I did instead was say: “Joe, cut the crap. Don’t treat me like that.” As if by miracle (joking), Joe stopped the perturbing behavior, and actually began to treat me with more respect.

  22. 22
    Leo says:

    So that, as opposed to diving down a wormhole of victimology, I just used social skills plus personal power to request appropriate treatment.

    And it worked. Fairly simple, and with a less internally agonizing result.

  23. 23

    LEO, thanks you for all these words of wisdom. I just went back to that “ancient” article — from two years ago. Today, even more folks are being frightened by believing that scary narcissists control them.

    Since then, I’ve developed a blog post where you can learn about specific differences between Empath Empowerment® versus imitators. (Like those who use the name of my trademarked term. Or the term “Empowered Empath.” Found in books I’ve published, like this one.)

  24. 24

    Feel free to participate in this ongoing consumer project for empaths. Helping everyone to gain discernment about what different Empath Coaches offer.

    You can find hundreds of comments already. In addition, feel free to submit quotes from empath experts who haven’t been discussed yet. (You’ll see a running list toward the end of that blog post.)

  25. 25

    Thus far, at that consumer post for empaths, some of the quotes submitted for discussion come from Judith Orloff, MD.

    So I was able to point out many points of difference between my work and her recent writings on “Empath Empowerment” and “Empowered Empath.”

  26. 26

    Funnily enough, LEO and other Blog-Buddies, in that post about narcissists from years ago, I shared a startling fact about Orloff. (Why discuss her back then? Because, having read some of her work, it seems to me that… her main way of teaching empaths seems to involve instilling fears about narcissists.)

    Since that’s a fairly long article, I’ll simply share that quote in the next comments. Later you can feel free to comment about that comment. 😉 As well as anything else we’ve been discussing here about the fad of fearing — and hating on — narcissists.

  27. 27

    “One popular empath coach, Judith Orloff, MD, gave an empath workshop attended by my student Gladys. Another time, my student Joe took that workshop.

    “Orloff brings a lot of people comfort by helping them feel special and sensitive and victimey. Schooling them in avoiding narcissists and various forms of “vampires.”

  28. 28

    “Both Gladys and Joe were shocked. Especially when Orloff told them that, due to her special sensitivity: She cannot be with people for more than three hours a day.

  29. 29

    This from somebody who aims to help empower empaths???

  30. 30
    Leo Watts says:

    Hi Rose,

    I know the article I read was from longer than two years ago. You were blogging about narcissists eleven years ago! This may have been the article I read, though I’m not 100% sure.

    https://www.rose-rosetree.com/blog/2008/06/16/narcissists-psychopaths-sociopaths-protection/

  31. 31

    Thanks, LEO, for taking the time to hunt that down.

    Everybody, please know that the search function on this website can help you find articles all the way back to 2007! So have fun with all this.

  32. 32
    Kylie says:

    Lots of great comments here! I especially love what you say in number 6 Brittany, and Leo numbers 19-21.

  33. 33
    Kylie says:

    I never got into the whole “narcissist” labeling effort. But I certainly have blamed other people in the past for my lack of social skills.

  34. 34
    Kylie says:

    It is amazing how much more effective it is to ask for what you want, than to expect people to be mind readers.

  35. 35
    Kylie says:

    And, it is so much easier to get along with other people when you give them a clue about what is bothering you and ask them to act differently…rather than going into endless analysis of that person and their annoying behavior.

  36. 36
    Kylie says:

    And I am so grateful for the friends who have told me when my behavior is inappropriate, instead of just ghosting me as a friend (maybe writing me off as a narcissist.)

  37. 37
    Kylie says:

    In those situations the behavior has always been something that I wasn’t even conscious of.

    How can you change a behavior if you aren’t aware that it is a problem?

  38. 38

    KYLIE, these comments are so wise. And I love how you’ve given personal examples.

    Once again you’ve fleshed out Energy Spirituality concepts, bringing them vividly to life.

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